Carrie Underwood Militia Declares War on Poland

carrieFans of country goddess Carrie Underwood formally declared war on Poland today, the latest in a series of similar declarations made since the American Idol alum unseated Kitty Wells to become the most important female country singer ever in 2005.

The announcement was precipitated by an incident at Underwood’s Tuesday night show, when a wiry man speaking “something that sounded like Polish” rolled his eyes and exited the venue halfway through Underwood’s opening song. Although the man has not been located, news of his offense spread quickly on fan sites, inspiring Carrie Nation to quick and severe action.

“The Polish people have disgraced our leader, and they will pay!” fumed head message board moderator Meg Jones. “Because they have so far refused to cooperate with our investigation into the identity of the Polish man – on the grounds that walking out of a concert isn’t a crime and he might not have even been Polish, plus we weren’t actually able to find a listed phone number for the governor of Poland – we are left with no other options but to dispatch our volunteer soldiers to their borders immediately.”

The Carrie Nation Armed Forces, who eschew guns in favor of baseball bats a la “Before He Cheats,” are reportedly made up of girls in their teens and twenties, common housewives, and overweight, single, middle-aged men who pride themselves on intimate familiarity with all the details of Underwood’s personal life.

Even non-violent members of the Carrie community are up in arms over the Polish slight.

“The gall of that Polish man is just unbelievable! Just unbelievable! Taylor Swift doesn’t even sing very well and, unlike Carrie, she remixes her songs for pop radio!” blubbered fan Patsy Showalter, who could not explain how her comments on Swift were in any way relevant to the matter at hand.

Sixty of Patsy’s friends then appeared out of nowhere to echo that sentiment.

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About C.M. Wilcox

A freelance writer and humorist with an abiding love of country music, C.M. Wilcox's cutting, clear-eyed take on the genre has drawn the attention of Country Weekly, The Washington Post, and The Tennessean in the years since this site began. C.M. lives near Sacramento and can be reached by email at CMW (at) countrycalifornia.com.

Things People Are Saying

  1. David Jones says:

    Great one, CM! Carrie fans are always getting hot under the collar for no reason.

    • Amused says:

      Carrie fans are such idjits. It’s hilarious that a few of them are making fools of themselves here the same way they do elsewhere.

      They just don’t get it.

      Who would want to be associated with these foaming-at-the-mouth nut cases?

      I’m sure they’re right pissed that the Chinese aren’t replacing all the Chairman Mao posters with Carrie posters.

      Look out China! You’re next!

      And Russia, just who decided that Leningrad would be St. Petersburg again? Carrie was 8 years old when you had that referendum, so it’s not like you couldn’t know she was a better singer than some crusty old saint. You had the chance to name the city St. Carriesburg, and blew it. Don’t think you’re off the hook, Russia!

  2. Trailer says:

    Going for cheap hits I see. lol …Good stuff.

  3. AikoujOi says:

    Poor Poland. We must sent aid for the poor Polish people over there immediately! lol.

  4. Karen says:

    I like Carrie and was a member of her fan club last year (for presale tickets) but this is HILARIOUS!!! :)

  5. C.M. Wilcox says:

    I think the fan response may have been especially strong because of preexisting tensions between vegetarian Carrie and the Polish hot dog industry.

    /comment with joke I couldn’t work into the main piece.

  6. Chris N. says:

    Just because I don’t want anyone to miss the “Carrie Nation” gag:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carrie_Nation

  7. Dan says:

    More gold.

  8. Sam G. says:

    Two things that unite Polish people: Celebrating Pazcki Day every year, and a dislike of Carrie Underwood’s music.

  9. Kim says:

    Sam G: that is so true!

    As a proud Pole (name ends in -ski, have a cousin named Casmir and all that polka) , this is so perfect! My personal favorite CM!

  10. J.R. Journey says:

    Awesome.

  11. Don't Whine says:

    Like It Says Fake News and kellie fans posting this link in her site at yes.com shame on them they will stop at nothing

    • What A Shame says:

      Wonder how much the jealous Kellie fans are laughing about their idol’s news: http://www.countrycalifornia.com/kellie-pickler-says-get-a-load-of-these/ Didn’t see them post that on yes.com and laugh at her. Oh, that’s right, they like fake stuff.

      • Redrockfan says:

        This “Fake News” wasn’t about Carrie, it was about you fans. Although fake, it’s a full mouth of truth. Always bashing other artists. I hate to see all the talk after Taylor beats out Carrie at the CMA Awards. I guess you guys will go egg the CMA voter’s houses or something.

    • Redrockfan says:

      Man you guys don’t have anything better to do than watch what we Kellie fans do. I’m glad I’m that interesting. If you Carrie fans don’t want people to laugh at you, try acting like normal people. I walked out on an artist’s show before and didn’t have to worry about being protested against. You guys act like it was the end of the world. You fans are in a league of your own for sure and all us other fans don’t want to be in your shoes.

    • Who\'s whining? I\'m laughing says:

      You are soooo ridiculous! There you go again acting like an obsessed Carriefangirlbot. OMG how dare anyone post this on yes where 5 fans saw it! lol Umm hello a Carrie fan posted it on her fan site for hundreds to see and said it’s funny.

      http://www.carriefans.com/carrie-underwood-times/138387-carrie-underwood-militia-declares-war-poland.html

      So go back to Carriefans and tell those fans shame on them, they are jealous and will stop at nothing. lol If you didn’t get the joke it’s funny because like davilas said it’s how the rabid Carriefangirls act on fan sites, CMT, and The 9513 blogs. Carriefan Cowgirl Casanovas hate on other artists more than they love Carrie!

  12. Lia says:

    Who does this daily mantra sound like, Carrie fans? You know who. LOL

    “The gall of that Polish man is just unbelievable! Just unbelievable! Taylor Swift doesn’t even sing very well and, unlike Carrie, she remixes her songs for pop radio!” blubbered fan Patsy Showalter, who could not explain how her comments on Swift were in any way relevant to the matter at hand.

  13. Lia says:

    Let’s say it again… Taylor Swift CAN’T SING and she remixes all her songs for pop!!! I’m a huge Carrie fan and if I post this 30 times a day maybe the whole world will believe it! Woweeeeee!

  14. Leeann says:

    Is it just me ore are some of these comments a bit incoherent?

  15. Sam G. says:

    I’m trying to imagine a scenario where liking Artist A requires me to hate Artist B, and I’m drawing a blank.

  16. Mel says:

    The guy turned out to be Jewish and was speaking Hebrew. One did catch a couple words as he walked by like oy vay, amongst other Hebrew words.

  17. Harrison says:

    Meg Jones would not even know what Polish sounds like or where Poland is. To out of the blue just insult a country and people without knowing what you are talking about is bigoted and racist.

    Meg Jones, is this how your parents raised you. To be a bigot and a racist. When your not happy about something Meg Jones it is apparent that you were taught to blame people you have horrible prejudices against. So Meg Jones, as your Ma and Pappa taught you, put the blame on those you were taught to hate; Poles, Jews, African American, Spanish speaking people, Asians… Meg Jones your hate list goes on and on. Get to therapy soon. There are some 25 million Poles in America and 100 Million Poles worldwide. You need to work on your PR skills.

    Know! what you are talking about before you reveal the bigotry you learned at home. Know the facts before you hurt or defame any culture.

    Meg Jones your bigotry and horredous prejudices are no secret..

    You owe an apology to the Polish people, whom you have attempted to insult and all the other cultures you have insensitively demeaned and hurt through your thoughtless and insensitive bigoted comments.

    Does Meg Jones speak for Carrie Underwood when she spews her hate and prejudices so recklessly. Is Carrie Underwood associate with like-minded people like the bigot Meg Jones…?

    Hmmm… Wow! Does Meg Jones speak for Underwood. This is a sad day for both of these now losers.

    Hate gets you nowhere. Get some help Meg Jones and take Underwood with you.

  18. Erik says:

    Oh my God.

  19. AIkoujOi says:

    What Leeann said, this is fake! FAKE!

Trackbacks

  1. [...] California facetiously reports that fans of Carrie Underwood formally declared war on Poland after a man who sounded Polish got up and walked out of Underwood’s concert halfway through [...]

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